How a couple turned their relationship around – by leaving the past in the past
In this video, I share how I recently helped a couple who were not sure if they would be able to continue in their marriage due to hurting one another with breaking of trust.
One week later they came back and it was like they were a completely different couple, they were smiling at one another instead of yelling. They were speaking kindly to and about one another. I asked them what the turning point for them was.
They said: “Sonya, if we did not decide to leave the past in the past, our future together would look very dim.”
So with that decision and commitment in the forefront of their mind, they began treating one another with respect, they went out together on a date, they were careful with their words. They did the little things that are important to keep a relationship going.
If you need help to turn your relationship around, please get in touch or go to my book online page.
Does your partner complain that you don't listen to them?
We are often distracted with household chores, watching TV or being on our screens, so therefore it is easy for one person in the relationship to feel like their partner is not interested in what they have to say.
A really simple way to prevent this from happening, is to simply drop or pause what you are doing when your partner begins to tell you something. Now I know that sounds a bit too simple, but what it does is show your partner that you are interested in what they have to say. This in turns helps them to feel valued and important. Once you begin doing this, it will become more of a habit and you will improve your listening skills, not just in your relationship but with other people as well.
I hope this helps. If you would like to make an appointment, go to my book online page.
Communication, Connection, Closeness
Communication, connection and closeness are so important in helping a relationship last the distance. When couples take the time to communicate with one another, it automatically helps them feel connected, because they feel like they are on the same page. When couples feel connected, they automatically feel closer, which helps facilitate intimacy at all levels; emotional, physical and sexual intimacy. When couples do not communicate well, they feel disconnected and eventually do not feel close anymore.
If you need help in your relationship to communicate better, so you feel more connected and closer, book online for an appointment.
Honesty breeds honesty
When someone is being honest with us, it helps us to be honest with them. This is exactly what happened to a friend of mine who was having a conversation with someone. He said that the person was being very open in sharing their feelings, which helped my friend to be open and more vulnerable in sharing his feelings. Honesty in a relationship helps build trust, intimacy and connection, because we know where we stand with someone. Honesty is a character trait that we can learn to be less afraid of, especially in our close relationships. I hope that helps.
If you need further help in your relationship, please book online for an appointment or send me an email.
Couples who argue a lot share with me how exhausting their relationship has become. They say that conversations easily escalate into arguments.
Often in a relationship, one person is the pursuer (a talker and more verbally expressive) and the other is the stonewaller (they go quiet during difficult conversations.) However, what can happen is the quieter one can feel overwhelmed by their partner needing to 'sort things out' by talking, and they become more frustrated and just like a volcano, they can suddenly explode! Talkers also become frustrated due to problems never being resolved and therefore are swept under the carpet.
This type of negative communication pattern can change. In this short video, I share how couples that find a new way to communicate can find new hope for the future, because all of a sudden, problems can be sorted out.
I hope that helps. Please book online for an appointment.
It does not mean however, that the relationship is over. There are a few things that can help rebuild trust:
- Commitment to the relationship going forward.
- Take it one day at a time.
- Understand it will take a while and lots of patience is needed.
- Talk with each other often, ask questions if needed but try not to dwell on the past.
- Trust is mostly a decision. It will take a while for your heart to catch up with your head.
For a safe space to discuss how you can move forward, I am here to support you both on your journey and you can book online for an appointment.
Build a strong friendship
Be curious, not furious
Staying together isn't easy and separating isn't easy
Communication tip for couples
Tip to improve intimacy
People Crave Validation
Tips for Couples in Lockdown
- It is important that both partners are aware of the higher level of stress that being in each other's spaces can cause, therefore it is also good to be aware and give each other space and time alone if needed.
- Lighten the environment at home with some humour. Watch a funny movie together, or share some funny stories. We all need a good laugh, even during stressful times, as it helps balance our negative emotions with some positive ones.
- Dream about the future. This may seem a futile activity given many dreams have been put on hold already during the COVID-19 outbreak. However, dreaming can help couples feel close and connected and also give them some hope for the future, once life goes back to the new normal again.
Resisting the temptation to bring up past hurts
When our partner won't share their feelings
Balancing out negatives and positives in our relationships
Tip for couples feeling disconnected
- Share a favourite dessert together when the kids are in bed.
- Curl up on the lounge together and watch a movie.
- Fish and chips at the beach.
- Chatting together while the kids are playing outside or at a park.
- Setting aside time daily to share your day and plan future goals.
Working on my own relationship
- Learning to laugh at one another as well as ourselves!
- Always plan to spend time together.
- If we hurt one another, say sorry and follow it up by a changed behaviour and attitude.
- Allowing challenges to draw us closer rather than further apart.
A simple phrase - communication tip
Bringing up past mistakes
Our partners aren't mind readers
We can often forget that our partners are not necessarily mind readers and they don't always pick up on what we are needing emotionally. This can lead to feeling frustrated and like they don't care about us.
If we are feeling stressed, sad, angry, upset and tired, but are not letting our partners know, how are they able to have the opportunity to console, comfort, or help us? What we tend to do instead is that we walk in the door, coming home from work for example, and go around the house huffing and puffing and projecting our emotions onto our partners, and perhaps even blowing up at the tiniest little comment they make.
Or we can do the opposite, where we disengage, disconnect and vege out in front of the TV or on our devices, all the while our partners thinking that we are either okay or we are ignoring them.
In this short video, I share some thoughts on how to let our partners know what we need emotionally.
Moving on after a relationship loss
Affection in a relationship
Building trust takes time
Burying your relationship
However, sometimes your partner will not always be able to provide the level of empathy that you need. So, what can you do about that? You can apply something called 'self-empathy'.
Self-empathy is about looking into your own life, having a non-judgmental attitude towards yourself, and applying understanding to your own situation. It is also about acknowledging that both your past and present experiences are valid and important. Self-empathy is a helpful skill to learn for everyday life in any situation you find yourself in.
The pain of rejection
Love in a healthy relationship can be expressed through being generous to one another
Did you know that research has shown that couples that practice generosity on a regular basis are generally much happier? That is because generosity is one of those values and qualities that releases feel-good chemicals into our brains, so both the giver and receiver win with the side effect being their level of happiness increasing.
So, it makes sense that if you want a happier relationship, start being more generous to one another. It's such a simple but powerful thing to do with wonderful long-term results!
Generosity is really about giving good things abundantly and freely. We can demonstrate generosity in our relationship through small acts of kindness, such as making our partner a cup of tea, allowing them to choose which TV program to watch, giving gifts of course and also being kind and generous with our words and time.
So what does love look like in a healthy relationship? Being generous to one another.
I hope that helps. If you need to reach out, please contact me by sending me a message or book online for an appointment.
What does love look like in a healthy relationship?
In a couples session recently, a lady mentioned that on this one occasion, when she was feeling unwell, she would have loved it if her partner took the initiative to buy her some medicine from the chemist as this would have shown her that he cared about her feeling unwell. She was quite upset at the fact that he did not take the initiate to find out how he could help her. It made her feel unloved.
As much as it is important to say you care, taking some action can really speak volumes. That's because it's often the little things we do for one another that show we care. When those closest to us do not show they care, especially in practical ways, it can lead to feelings of resentment and generally feeling unloved if it happens time and time again.
So, what does love look like in a healthy relationship?
Showing you care.
I hope that helps and for further help or to see me please book online for an appointment.
What does love look like in a healthy relationship?
What is the most important thing in a relationship?
one another in a kind way and speaking about one another in a kind way. I hope that helps and
What does respect look like in a healthy relationship?
Valuing one another's feelings and needs.
Listening and validating their feelings and needs sends the message we respect them and value them as a person, and that whatever is going on for them, we will stop, take notice and offer validation.
What does respect look like in a healthy relationship?
When couples come to see me, sometimes they complain about the fact that their partner thinks and behaves differently to them, yet these same differences are what attracted them to one another in the first place! Couples would do better to accept their differences, which will bring a sense of freedom and lightness to their relationship.